1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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