It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
