I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
