Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
