don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
