I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
