i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
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the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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