Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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