Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
