come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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