if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
