I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
