Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
