ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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