I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
