So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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