I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
