Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I need to sanitize my soul.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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