I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
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