I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
