It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
