my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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