SEEEEXXX PLEASE
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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