Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
