he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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