The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
