before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
