remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
