is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My ass is underappreciated
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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