Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
