so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
