Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
