If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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