i permit you to call me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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