Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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