i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
