yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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