Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
