i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
