Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
