I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
