the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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