I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
