I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
