i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
