I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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