i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
