I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
