last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
