I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
this beer tastes like vomit already
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
