Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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