When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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