She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
