dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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