The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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