Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
