During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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