He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
