Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
