I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
