I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
